Recently I have been working on stuck points. To give a little background, a stuck point is some trigger which tends to cause certain avoidant behavior. Either way for me my stuck points tend to be when i feel powerless. That more specifically means when I lose all control of a situation. I don't tend to want to totally control things but if I FEEL like things spun out of control I start to withdraw. I can become self destructive, in as far as, I will push the situation away from me at all costs. For example if I felt like in a relationship, the other person was feeling poorly or depressed and no matter what I do I couldn't help them. I would immediately feel powerless, blame myself, internally beat myself up. I would then do things to annoy the person then point those things out to get them to dislike me and push me away from them. Honestly that seems so passive aggressive, but it isn't a conscious choice on my part. It is just something I do, like shield your eyes from a bright light, or throwing your arms up to block something flying at you.
Well in working on these stuck points I am starting to look at the signs of me doing these kinds of things. When I start to feel powerless, when I start to do things that push people away, when I start to think I am 'bad' or 'doing something wrong.' This seems to be working to signal myself to step back and look at the situation. The tough part is looking at the situation, and actually coming to terms with not liking the situation without blaming myself. I also at this point start to get upset and want to just hate the situation and blame others for it happening, but that wouldn't help. Thankfully I engage my reasoning bit of my brain while looking at the situation. I look at it and allow myself to feel something without attaching a 'good' or 'bad' label to it. I just see it for what it is, just a situation, cause and effect. If it can be avoided without hiding from it I avoid it. If it is an unavoidable situation, well I look for ways to emotionally deal with the situation that isn't blaming myself. This seems to be working and it is becoming easier to deal with 'bad' things, but I have such a long way to go.
I was talking to someone tonight about myself and it seems I have found the best analogy for what has happened to me in the past 18 years. Imagine if you would your life is a puzzle. Also the average person has it mostly put together with the odd piece or 2 or of place or not knowing where those pieces go. Now for the explanation of my feelings of how my life are, As I was looking at my life trying to puzzle the pieces together, maybe have a few, or possibly quite a few, out place pieces. When I wasn't looking, somewhere about 10 years ago, some jerk (let's call this jerk fate) took said puzzle put it in a box should it up briskly then dumped it out in front of me. Imagine looking at the pile of pieces, yup that is what I feel like happened. I have the frame mostly completed now which is a good thing. The problem is trying to put the pieces back into the puzzle is extremely draining because all the time I spent doing what I could when I was younger is now lost. I have all the pieces I had before, but the work I had done to put them together is lost.
If this metaphor isn't helpful sorry, it snuck up on me but made perfect sense after I said it. In a way it says a lot about how far I have come from when the puzzle got all mixed up, but it also is frustrating to me how far I need to go to catch up to where I though I was. At least now I am looking at the side of the puzzle with a picture on it. A tad easier to put it back together, but I can't really use my past experience with this puzzle because it looks totally different to me now.
I wish I had dreams I could remember to help me figure things out. I wish I had people in my life I could bring myself to trust enough to help me figure this out. I feel as though being 36 people expect you to just figure out the puzzle myself. Like I should just innately know how to figure it out. Sadly, not so easy, though I am sure it isn't easy for anyone. I ask people questions from time to time, or I process things at inappropriate times. I am sure this behavior creeps people out. Bleh I feel lost, like a child, unsure of how to communicate things.
I watch other people socialize, talk about whimsical things. Most times I really just don't get it. It is though I have no frame of reference. Like say you are in a group of people and they are talking about a new movie. They all laugh at something that you 'think' is funny, but you honestly don't feel is funny. It's not a judgement thing, you can see the humor but in your heart you don't feel it. So you laugh, wish you could add something to the conversation, but honestly just feel like you are lurking. That is something that happens a lot to me. I try to fit in, but I always feel like I am alien to most situation, at least one that are not pure intellectual exercises. I the best I can explain is I have lost passion and emotion for most things in my life. I wish I knew how to recapture it, because I used to have passion, feeling, emotions about things. It just seems anymore it is locked inside me lost. The puzzle pieces just aren't in place so I cannot see that part of the image for things to make sense to me. Even as I write now, I feel that knot in my throat like I want to cry. I feel I should be crying, but I can't there is some kind of disconnect between my thought process of what should be and my heart's process of what I feel.
Any advice would be most welcome.
So been a bit since I posted. Well so I am making huge progress on myself. Off meds now (both therapist and psyche agreed a good move for me.) I am trying to come out of my shell dress nicer (aka sexy.) I am also looking into savign money and completely this whole transition debacle (you know the doctors maimed me at birth, so now I need to fix the downstairs mix-up.)
Low and behold I was perusing the net and found a place that may possibly give me a loan for srs. I was speechless. So as quickly as possible I applied for a loan. I doubt I will get it, I do not have the greatest credit. If I do get it you all will know that very moment. The reason is no matter where you are you will hear my squee and tears of joy. That is all for now.
So I have lost 10 pounds since the beginning of the year. I am amazed. My diet (smaller portions, eating more times a day, cutting out all noodles and potatoes, and most anything with flour such as gravy) is working out fine. The first 2 weeks was weird as my body shifted gears. I felt light headed dizzy and almost like i was comimg off of drugs. Then it shifted to like I was high. Now i just have this different feel to myself.
I also stopped taking my anxiety meds. Things are going well so far. I am working through my issues. It is like I don't have this screen keeping a haze over my mind stopping me from thinking bad things. I think bad things, but I am learning to cope with them. New experience for me, and my friend Helen is helping me cope. She and I are extremely similar in many ways. The only problem is I seem to have been helped way more than she has. Meh not going to quibble about it.
Also my sister seems to have been confronted by some jerk on facebook about me. So in response to this jerkm she has defriended me, kept him as a friend, and pretty much told everyone how embarassed she is. Well except for me, she told me she isn't embarrassed and I need to be careful about who I friend on facebook because if they decide to ask me about me other people may get embarrassed. I told her that would be the person's issue not mine. The person needs to take responsibility for their actions and the reciever of the comment needs to act in a mature adult manner. So basically, I told her to f off if she is going to be a close minded twit about me. My mom's reaction was hands off and not very compassionate towards me. I am seriously sick of my biological family and will not go out of my way to interact with them anymore. They are not worth my effort.
So this is my life, I am taking control. I feel better on so many levels, and actually feel like I can think again. I think this is because I am not polluting it with crap food nor am I taking a medication which expressly tones down my brain.
I am beautiful (random but needed comment for myself.)
Crazy cool tactile holographes. The tech is quite ingenious and amazing.
i was stumbleing and this was the first thing it showed. I thought it was quite funny.
So I am visiting with family I haven't seen in 6 or so years. I finally feel loved by my mom and sister (since I started transition). Anyways, today my sister was mentioning how our father used to sing 'If I saw you in Heaven' to her as a child. She had such a smile on her face. I was happy for her, but my inner demons reared their ugly head. I started to hurt because I have no nice memories of my father as a child, only ones of being beat and yelled at. I almost started arguing with my sister after i trashed our father a bit. Not because she was defending him, we all know he is an asshole dirtbag, but she doesn't want to poison the well as far as her kids go. As she said, let them make up their own minds. So I asked my mom to step outside so I could talk to her. As soon as we started talking I broke down into tears. I apologized for saying what I said in front of the kids (my niece and nephew). And my mom tried her best to comfort me, and let me know some things she never told me before about him. I didn't feel better. I don't know. Well I am not upset anymore, but I am so conflicted about him. I love him dearly, he is my father. I hate him woefully, because he was my abuser. I have no idea how to get over what he did to me. My mom seems to have overcome it. Well as much as one can overcome what he did to us. I ended up apologizing to my sister after I had a good cry outside and came back in. She was very cool about it.
You know I am so glad I came down here to visit. I amd getting to know my Mom and Sister all over again. We understand each other better. We may have different morals (she is a bit more conservative than I am but open minded), but we are ok with that. Like she is fine with me being inter sexed/trans, and bi, and poly. She says it isn't for her, and I am ok with that. Her and my mom just try to explain things in such a way that makes it sound judgmental, but I am learning. Like they say they don't agree with me being poly. I was like ok, but they went onto explain it wasn't ok for them but they don't care what I do. So basically everytime they say they don't agree or they don't approve I am supposed to implicitly add 'for them' on the end. It is a bit cumbersome when chatting to them. And honestly this is something I just recently figured out, so really for the last 10 years there has been some major miscommunication going on. Just glad things are getting figured out.
On a positive note my niece and nephew like me. In fact my niece was fighting for me to stay longer with them. She also wants me to stay the rest of my visit with her instead of going to my mom's. We are figuring out a way to make everyone happy. I will probably have my niece and nephew with me when I go to visit my mom. Oh yeah and my niece, nephew and sister broke out the guitar hero sets so we could all play as a band today. I am so bad at guitar hero, least I was. I got better as we played. Amazingly I was the best at the singing part (thanks everyone for the tips at karaoke). So mostly having tons of fun, getting closer to family. Oh and I hate the weather here. It reminds me of living in a swamp. It is always super high humidity. Go outside and you feel so nasty. Everyone's porches are screened in so you can go outside at night and not get eaten by mosquitos. Everywhere has AC because you honestly need it for the humidity. Well my sis seems to like the weather as do the kids. Wow that was a lot of brain dumping.
See everyone in about a week or so when I am back in the right Bay Area (found out Tampa is the Bay Area also).
Ok the news of a young trans teenage woman murdered recently is bothering. Yes I have every right to be bothered. The problem is it is touching me in a way I can't begin to get over. I feel heartbroken, I did not know her very well. I only talked to her a handful of times online in Laura's Playground. I am finding it hard to focus. I am having nightmares again, trouble sleeping. My anxiety is pegging the meter. I have 1 week left of school and 2 assignments to turn in and I honestly don't know if I will be able to do it. I am afraid, I am mourning a dead sister. A sister who did nothing more than be herself and was killed for it. I don't know how to cope. Yes maybe I am taking this hard, but to be completely honest I identify too much with the supposed victim. Not to mention it could all be a hoax. It isn't even clearly debunked. Either way I hurt inside, it is entirely possible that most of the story is valid.
Why do people like me keep dying silently? How is it ok for someone to kill someone like me for no reason? Please someone answer me. I don't understand what we (people like me) have done to deserve this. Maybe one day my people can live without fear of being themselves. Be proud to be human and express themselves freely. But as of right now we can't. I want to climb to the highest mountain and scream at the top of my lung challenging any fool who thinks I am inhuman to come attack me for expressing myself. I want to avenge my sisters' deaths, but I know that will not help. I want to protect my sisters, but I can't in any real way. This presses so many of my anxiety buttons, probably every single one of them at once.
To the world: STOP FUCKING KILLING MY SISTERS AND BROTHERS!