Ninja: Silicon Valley Girl Style

this made me giggle
http://www.divinecaroline.com/22087/81995-hilarious-new-iphone-commercial

Crazy cool tactile holographes. The tech is quite ingenious and amazing.

i was stumbleing and this was the first thing it showed. I thought it was quite funny.

So I am visiting with family I haven't seen in 6 or so years. I finally feel loved by my mom and sister (since I started transition). Anyways, today my sister was mentioning how our father used to sing 'If I saw you in Heaven' to her as a child. She had such a smile on her face. I was happy for her, but my inner demons reared their ugly head. I started to hurt because I have no nice memories of my father as a child, only ones of being beat and yelled at. I almost started arguing with my sister after i trashed our father a bit. Not because she was defending him, we all know he is an asshole dirtbag, but she doesn't want to poison the well as far as her kids go. As she said, let them make up their own minds. So I asked my mom to step outside so I could talk to her. As soon as we started talking I broke down into tears. I apologized for saying what I said in front of the kids (my niece and nephew). And my mom tried her best to comfort me, and let me know some things she never told me before about him. I didn't feel better. I don't know. Well I am not upset anymore, but I am so conflicted about him. I love him dearly, he is my father. I hate him woefully, because he was my abuser. I have no idea how to get over what he did to me. My mom seems to have overcome it. Well as much as one can overcome what he did to us. I ended up apologizing to my sister after I had a good cry outside and came back in. She was very cool about it.
You know I am so glad I came down here to visit. I amd getting to know my Mom and Sister all over again. We understand each other better. We may have different morals (she is a bit more conservative than I am but open minded), but we are ok with that. Like she is fine with me being inter sexed/trans, and bi, and poly. She says it isn't for her, and I am ok with that. Her and my mom just try to explain things in such a way that makes it sound judgmental, but I am learning. Like they say they don't agree with me being poly. I was like ok, but they went onto explain it wasn't ok for them but they don't care what I do. So basically everytime they say they don't agree or they don't approve I am supposed to implicitly add 'for them' on the end. It is a bit cumbersome when chatting to them. And honestly this is something I just recently figured out, so really for the last 10 years there has been some major miscommunication going on. Just glad things are getting figured out.
On a positive note my niece and nephew like me. In fact my niece was fighting for me to stay longer with them. She also wants me to stay the rest of my visit with her instead of going to my mom's. We are figuring out a way to make everyone happy. I will probably have my niece and nephew with me when I go to visit my mom. Oh yeah and my niece, nephew and sister broke out the guitar hero sets so we could all play as a band today. I am so bad at guitar hero, least I was. I got better as we played. Amazingly I was the best at the singing part (thanks everyone for the tips at karaoke). So mostly having tons of fun, getting closer to family. Oh and I hate the weather here. It reminds me of living in a swamp. It is always super high humidity. Go outside and you feel so nasty. Everyone's porches are screened in so you can go outside at night and not get eaten by mosquitos. Everywhere has AC because you honestly need it for the humidity. Well my sis seems to like the weather as do the kids. Wow that was a lot of brain dumping.
See everyone in about a week or so when I am back in the right Bay Area (found out Tampa is the Bay Area also).

Ok the news of a young trans teenage woman murdered recently is bothering. Yes I have every right to be bothered. The problem is it is touching me in a way I can't begin to get over. I feel heartbroken, I did not know her very well. I only talked to her a handful of times online in Laura's Playground. I am finding it hard to focus. I am having nightmares again, trouble sleeping. My anxiety is pegging the meter. I have 1 week left of school and 2 assignments to turn in and I honestly don't know if I will be able to do it. I am afraid, I am mourning a dead sister. A sister who did nothing more than be herself and was killed for it. I don't know how to cope. Yes maybe I am taking this hard, but to be completely honest I identify too much with the supposed victim. Not to mention it could all be a hoax. It isn't even clearly debunked. Either way I hurt inside, it is entirely possible that most of the story is valid.

Why do people like me keep dying silently? How is it ok for someone to kill someone like me for no reason? Please someone answer me. I don't understand what we (people like me) have done to deserve this. Maybe one day my people can live without fear of being themselves. Be proud to be human and express themselves freely. But as of right now we can't. I want to climb to the highest mountain and scream at the top of my lung challenging any fool who thinks I am inhuman to come attack me for expressing myself. I want to avenge my sisters' deaths, but I know that will not help. I want to protect my sisters, but I can't in any real way. This presses so many of my anxiety buttons, probably every single one of them at once.

To the world: STOP FUCKING KILLING MY SISTERS AND BROTHERS!

[a href="http://www.tmz.com/"]Chatstity is transitioning.[/a]

Link above. Wow this is a huge step, more transgender people coming out who are in some way in the public eye. Hopefully this will bring more understanding to transgender people, at least in a little way.

1. You can ONLY answer 'Yes' or 'No'.

2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone comments and asks --- the temptation may be hard to resist but these are the rules :p


Kissed any one of your LiveJournal friends? — Yes
Been arrested? — Yes
Kissed someone you didn't like? — Yes
Slept in until 5 PM? — Yes
Fallen asleep at work/school? — Yes
Held a snake? — Yes
Ran a red light? — Yes
Been suspended from school? — Yes
Experienced love at first sight? — Yes
Totaled your car in an accident? — No
Been fired from a job? — No
Fired somebody? — No
Sung karaoke? — Yes
Pointed a gun at someone? — Yes
Did something you told yourself you wouldn't? — Yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? — Yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? — Yes
Kissed in the rain? — Yes
Had a close brush with death (your own)? — Yes
Saw someone die? — Yes
Played Spin-the-Bottle? — Yes
Smoked a cigar? — Yes
Sat on a rooftop? — Yes
Smuggled something into another country? — Yes
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? — Yes
Broken a bone? — Yes
Skipped school? — Yes
Eaten a bug? — Yes
Sleepwalked? No
Walked on a moonlit beach? — Yes
Ridden a motorcycle? — Yes
Dumped someone? — Yes
Forgotten your anniversary? — No
Lied to avoid a ticket? — Yes
Ridden in a helicopter? — Yes
Shaved your head? — Yes
Blacked out from drinking? — No
Played a prank on someone? — Yes
Hit a home run? — Yes
Felt like killing someone? — Yes
Cross-dressed? — Yes
Been falling-down drunk? — Yes
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? — Yes
Eaten snake? — Yes
Marched/Protested? — Yes
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? — No
Puked on an amusement ride? — No
Seriously & intentionally boycotted something? — Yes
Knitted? — Yes
Been on TV? — No
Shot a gun? — Yes
Skinny-dipped? — Yes
Given someone stitches? — Yes
Eaten a whole habenero pepper? — No
Ridden a surfboard? — No
Drunk straight from a liquor bottle? — Yes
Had surgery? — Yes
Streaked? — Yes
Been taken by ambulance to a hospital? — Yes
Tripped on mushrooms? — Yes
Passed out when NOT drinking? — No
Peed on a bush? — Yes
Donated Blood? — No
Grabbed electric fence? — No
Eaten alligator meat? - Yes
Eaten cheesecake? — Yes
Killed an animal when not hunting? — Yes
Peed your pants in public? — Yes
Snuck into a movie without paying? - No
Written graffiti? — No
Still love someone you shouldn't? — Yes
Think about the future? — Yes
Been in handcuffs? — Yes
Believe in love? — Yes
Sleep on a certain side of the bed? — Yes

You may find this link interesting Cindi.

http://ww2.zombieinitiative.org/

So I am couch surfing at the moment. And I am cool with that. Also I never would have thought something I did 10 years ago would pay off. Talking about the sound engineering I did as a way to let off steam and get free drinks. I was interested sure, but it was some where away from the military I could be more me. In fact the friends I made doing it helped me come to terms with myself and supported me in my very early transition. So I guess I am coming full circle at least that is how it feels.

I also have found something new that helps my anxiety immensely. You know those mall massage they give? Yup that is the thing. It isn't so much I need a massage, but massage generally are relaxing. Well, in the middle of a mall, which honestly triggers no small amount of anxiety for me, I got a massage. It relaxed me, while all those people were walking around me, talking, shopping, whatever they were doing. The messaged put me in a relaxed state in what normally is a rather anxious situation for me. Low and behold I think I have a piece of the puzzle to help overcome part of my anxiety. This is amazing.

Well then there is school. My C professor has this way of opening my eyes to things I don't want to see or do. She some how gets me to not be arrogant, just do what she asks without having to overdue things or show off. I love this. She also does it with a smile on her face. This is great because it puts me at ease and lets me just do what I am suppose. I am really glad I didn't drop her class. She is one of those professors you remember. Plus I am doing quite well in the class. I have above an A+ at the moment. So all is going well in school.

Now if I could only get myself together enough to get an internship. Not sure It is in the cards until next year in winter. I am just not ready for it yet. One step at a time. I really don't need to rush myself and stress and fail. That is what I used to do. Now I am figuring out my limits. I found out my limits aren't about how difficult material is, or whether I can learn it. I have no really issues with difficulty, it is just internal pressure. The pressure I put on myself to excel to be my best. When I am not meeting those goals I tend to beat myself up, instead of being reasonable. I am slowly getting around to this.

Hmmm my intimate life. Well I am figuring out tons here as well. I am figuring out what I like. I am able to set boundaries. I also know, that even if I am attracted to someone, unless they can reciprocate emotional intimacy not much chance at this time of anything happening. My biggest frustration in life (the whole genital issue) is at the root of this one. If things were fixed, I'd be fine having a more or less friends with benefits situation with some people. But right now, I don't get much out of sex. Physical intimacy is fine, but god don't you just sometimes wanna ? Well unfortunately I have realized no I really can't no matter how much I want to at this time. So yeah as fore mentioned no purely physical relationships for me. Can't wait to get surgery.

Anyways that is it for me lately. Feel free to comment or flame or whatever. I would love for folks share here or compare or advise. Please just comment I love you long time if you do~

Tags: life

I am sick, need to find a new domicile still, but at least the my professors (so far) like me better than last quarter. I think my C professor is way more competent this quarter than last. She has been teaching mathematics/computer science for over 30 years and has a masters in each as well as an MBA. So yeah she is quite awesome and really energetic.

Oh yeah the sick part. Nasty infection of some sort, my nose is running like a faucet. So i picked up some claritin to clear it up. So how is the internet doing today?

So I am up late before finals. Thinking about all the people in my life. Wondering what I have done wrong, what I have done right. Everyone seems to be at different points along their path.

Ok not gonna bs anyone out there I am feeling like I have failed some where along the way. Sure I finally feel like I am doing something important to me. I feel smarter (whether I am or not is another thing). Oddly I feel more confident about myself and where my strengths are. I worry about my weaknesses though. I am like 13 years behind the power curve. 35 just going back to school. Yes I have some amazing things on my CV, bur honestly there are huge gaps also.

Socially I feel retarded (in the technical sense so please no flames). I seem to be getting better at being compassionate, respecting other people, not over thinking things, but I feel like I have hurt people I care about. Lost their respect, maybe even lost their trust. That I think is what is eating at me the most. The people I seemed to have alienated. Yes I know I shouldn't care what people think of me. The thing is, there are a few people I truly care about I feel like I have lost. I could figure out why most likely. Go over it in my head see how things developed. The thing is will I have learned my lesson? Is there anyway to patch things up? How do I go about becoming a better person (not only in others eyes but my own)?

I am sitting here in bed tears running down my face. I feel so anxious, hurt, and castigated. Not by anyone in particular, but by the situation I have been through. Because of situations I have helped to come about by my own poor behavior. I feel like that hurt little girl again. How do I own these feelings? How do I overcome lose of friendships? How do I go about repairing friendships?

It's not like i can show up and say "Hey I am a new person. No really believe me I am fixed, not broken anymore!" Life just doesn't work that way. Maybe these are things people don't know how to answer. Maybe they are afraid to answer. Maybe they have other things to worry about. There is so much I do not understand about people in general. I can read body language, facial expression, tone of voice, syntax, rhythm, just about any nonverbal queues. But when I think of how my action might effect people I honestly run into problems. I recently was told I 'under-react' to things. Maybe this is why I do not realize why people react so strongly to things. Maybe this is why i do not understand boundaries so well. I am getting better, I have logical rules I follow until I read that the boundary is different. Just I feel like I am 'acting' on a stage. Is this normal? Does anyone else ever feel this way when interacting with people? Not being fake, but tip-toeing about them as to not push boundaries. People close to me I know well enough i feel comfortable with. People I don't know I get all anxious I may violate their boundaries. I violated some people boundaries in the last year. This is why I have been so careful about boundaries. This is why I walk on eggshells for the most part.

By all means comment.

Yeah it is that time again. My birthday, also it is the 1 year since i met a majority of my current largest social group. So I love you all, Maggie, Tim-Eh, Albert, Sarahs (the whole international conspiracy), Bruce, Keri (both of you), Jefferson, Alex, Holly, Kendel, Paul, Kirsten, Cindi. Too bad my bday is on tuesday or I would have it at KoC (no way in hell am I going to support Julez gig).

So I was doing stumble and found this great quote by Nietzche:

Morality makes stupid.-- Custom represents the experiences of men of earlier times as to what they supposed useful and harmful - but the sense for custom (morality) applies, not to these experiences as such, but to the age, the sanctity, the indiscussability of the custom. And so this feeling is a hindrance to the acquisition of new experiences and the correction of customs: that is to say, morality is a hindrance to the development of new and better customs: it makes stupid.

from Nietzsche's Daybreak,s. 19, R.J. Hollingdale transl.

So I am gonna extrapolate on this idea and say "The Moral Majority is the Stupid Majority." that is all for now.

So i decided to wait until too late to make the Super awesome lab with a bagillion extra credit points because I started so late. Now I have to accept just going for regular credit. I got really hung up on passing an object from an outside class into a gui. I was in tears for about an hour trying to figure it out until I decided to forgo extra credit and just take the easy way out. God I am upset with myself. Any way hi to everyone in internetland.

So I was aksed by a Java classmate to help him with his project. I had procrastinated my own project so I warned him I would be doing mine at the same time and may not exactly be the best help but I would answer simple questions.

Well he decided to ask me questions every time he tried to compile/run his program. Every time the ide gave him some sort of warning. It was quite agitating to every 10 seconds (the average time it took him to write a line of code), to have him stop me and ask me a question. Glad I have worked on my multitasking though.

So after 15 minutes of this, I stop him and ask to see his source code. So I peek at his source code. My eyes started to bleed. He had no idea how to indent. He had too many methods to make tracing his program visually easy. I actually jumped out of my seat and exclaimed "God damn that looks like mathematician code!". Everyone in the lab looked at me, I blushed. But the 1 or 2 professors in the lab were stifling laughes. He asked me what was the matter. I said he needed to write the code so it was a bit easier to read. The he asked if my eyes were bleeding and I gave him a very dirty look.

At this point I had to get to class so I gave him a very simple structure chart for the program. I come back 2 hours later. He has 1 last thing to figure out. So I ask if i can look again. Well it was even worse than the first time. I told him to start a new project folder. He asked me how to do that. Ok if I didn't know he had been through Intro to C, intermediate C, and Data Structures, I wouldn't have been so frustrated. But he has programmed before. Been through at least 3 semesters of programming in fact. I asked him if he had any notes. He said nah, he usually plays games during class and just looks over the online lecture notes.

At this point I gave up. Honestly if you don't pay attention in class, you don't know how to use the ide, and you have no idea what a coding standard is, I really can't be bothered to help you unless I am getting paid for it. To all the people out there, please comment if I am being arrogant or snobby. I am having a moral dilemma about about setting this boundary.

I was on my way home on the bus chatting to compilerbitch via text. While chatting I was thinking of everything she had taught me while we were roommates. All the stuff about math and computer science. So many things fell into place for me. It brought tears to my eyes. I wish I could thank her enough, but am unsure I would ever be satisfied with the thanks I could give. She said just prosper and do the best I can to reach my goals. That is all the thanks she wanted. In that moment, I realized my self worth, found an inner confidence and motivation I have never felt before. I am actually doing it. I am making something of my life. Even as I right this I am so touched inside. This is the complete opposite feelings I have felt most of my life.
So this is what it feels for everyone else most times. The feelings of confidence, motivation, self worth. The state that you are in total control of life.

Thanks you compilerbitch and all the others who have helped me to get to where I am in whatever small or large way you have helped. The list is long so keeping it brief in no particular order: electrichobbit, chiendarrendor, kizmet100, timenchanter,kor27,princesskiti22. It is not an exhaustive lost but it is the folks who have been the closest to me and been their to push me forward to this point. May everyone have people like this in their life to help them through.

So in my math class, I am officially the brainy kid. I bring up points the professor misses, I catch any mistakes he makes, I help other students in class if he is busy helping someone. I had a talk with my professor to make sure what I am doing is ok with him and he said I am more than welcome to continue what I am doing. I figure with the unspoken caveat of not disrupting class. I had talked to him about maybe next semester skipping precalc and going straight to calc. I explained my circumstances and situation in enough detail to get the point across without disclosing unnecessary info. He said to make an appointment with the Dean of the Math department and see what they can do. I probably will do that closer to the end of the quarter so my professor can goto bat for me after observing my abilities in class. So far everything is going well.
As for C and Java, yet to be seen if I am the star student there but I am definitely one of the lead pack. My professors for programming recognize I have experience and skill and I am usually put in groups with less experienced people to help them along. Also they tend to let me do things on my own and not look over mhy shoulder all the time like they do to most the students. That could also be my age, but my true age and apparent age don't quite jive to be honest. My math professor was surprised during our talked because I had used some set theory and a very small simple part of complexity theory (having to do with cliques in graphs) to solve some of the graphs in class. The graph happened to be a large clique and using a basic algorithm I solved the graph using a little set notation. It is a NP-complete problem so yeah, I came up with a simpler algorithm to solve it because there were only 10 vertice. Ok for non-math geeks ignore last part, I am geeking out and squeeing over math. compilerbitch knows how excited i get over learning new math. Any ways Having a great day, finally proud about being the brainy kid.

So this introduction to modern math thing, it's like breathing it is so easy. Though i looked at my fellow students and wondered why I was stuck in the same class as them. Ok maybe I am being arrogant but the concept that a dot is a vertex (just defining a word) seemed difficult for half the class to understand. How do today's youth make it through high school> God what kind of idiot am I to have tested so poorly to be in this class? Well at least I am interested in the material. I bought a new calculator for the class. TI-89 titanium, it is amazing. I needto figure out how to work the damn thing. Oh and I can plug it into my usb port and transfer programs back and forth. So nice I am anticipating many hours of making mickey mouse with draw functions on it. But seriously it is way more than I need for the class, but I am sure i will need something this good next semester. I also bought 3 tinkerbell bookmarks 1 for each text book I have. Anyone who knows me knows how much I like tink. Also got 1 4gb thumb drive for each programming class so i don't mix and match files. I figured it would be a bad idea but who knows. Downloaded the c/c++ version of eclipse. Oh yeah thanks to electrichobbit for calling me back while changing planes in Chicago to talk about math stuff. Was a nice conversation. Neither one of us could figure out what a compsci major was doing taking this math course. In the end I think it will help me in programming. Waiting on my first day of java. Not gonna say the course will be a joke, but I have been programming in java for a year now. This will be a lot of review work for me. Getting used to being around so many people. Still that walk from math to the cafeteria every morning freaks my brain out. I was on edge but ok.

Oh yes some embarrassing moments today and some nice ones (that aren't directly related to education). Some girl in my math class stopped me as I was about to walk out fo class, I thought she was gonna ask for help with the homework since I was answering most the professor's questions to the class and even some of the students questions around me. Nope my zipper was down. I turned completely red and flustered. She comforted me in that 'I don't know you, but your in my class and another girl" kind of way. So yeah only embarrassing moment so far today, hope it is the last. Lunch is going well, I met a few other adult students. Exchanged numbers with one. We both are disabled vets she is nursing. We chatted about a lot of things over cigarettes. Was nice to be able to relate to another student. Then right after another adult student came up to me to bum a smoke. We chatted for about 30 minutes as well. It is nice bumping into other 30 somethings in school. I felt like the only one.

Oh yeah before I forget, the music I usually listen to while relaxing at lunch. They have a live band playing light jazz in the cafeteria. Kind of nice, and unexpected but now you understand the music line of my post.

So far my first day back to school is a breeze. I was rushing around trying to buy my math book before class. I ended up being 2 minutes late but was 3 minutes earlier than the professor. Also the math I am taking isn't as remedial as I had thought. Not sure what to call it. They call it Introduction to modern Mathematics. I dunno the first chapter we go over Euler graphs. Go figure, any of you math geeks out there explain to me what type of math this is ( I am guessing electrichobbit would be the first person to answer. Most of it can be solved easier with a rubber band than pen and paper from what I have seen. Anyways gonna try to sneak into intro to C after Lunch, wish me luck! I am charismatic (so I am told) I think I can swing it. Oh and I had a mild panic attack walking from math back to the VA advisor this morning. She was cool enough to chat to me about nothing for bit to calm me down. So I relaxed went to have lunch and am getting acclimated to being around so many people early in the morning and most of the day. More reports later if anything interesting happens.

Forgot to mention I didn't sleep but maybe 2 hours last night if that so much for going to bed early lol.

I had probably what was the best Christmas of my life. No crying at all. No drunk relatives making scenes. I am truly happy. Some of my recent stress has subsided so I can deal with what is left. It is truly sinking in I am loved and cared about for the first time in my life. I got some great gifts, lots of Tinkerbell and ninja stuff. I spent Christmas eve and Christmas morning with my new girlfriend. It was quite eye opening and joyous time. I learned so much about me and that I don't have to be perfect I just have to be the best me I can be.
I feel like crying right now, not because I am sad, but because I am happy. I have come so far in the last year. I realized someone can be a great person and I don't have to hold them on a pedestal and still have negative feelings towards them. At the same time I can be friends with them because they are a great person with the understanding they aren't perfect. I dunno I guess I always hold people I care about as perfect. I realize now nobody is perfect everyone has there hang ups. I don't have to excuse or blind myself to peoples hang ups to care about them. In the past when I could no longer ignore someones hang ups I felt I had to excuse them from my life. I don't feel that way anymore. I can love someone for both their positive and negative, no excuses no ignoring qualities. Loving someone as a whole being for who they are is a great feeling and quite the epiphany. This opens up the gate for me to love myself completely even my negative traits. That I don't have to be perfect and others will still care for me, still love me.
So to everyone in my life right now, I love you for who you truly are. Maybe I can learn to love me the same way.

So tonight I got a call from Albert. He wanted to talk to me. I had an aweful feeling in my belly. I have also been feeling him pull away for last few weeks. Well he broke up with me. He was compassionate, caring, and open and honest. I love him, but that doesn't mean we should be in a relationship together. He just felt something was off between us. He couldn;t explain it and I didn't really ask him to. He said it was not anything I did. Just he felt it was best for us not to date. I cried a bunch, but no yelling. I took it like a champ because I do love him and want the best for him. Now my weekends are open. No more hanging out with him. I will miss saturdays and hanging out at a friend of his for movies on Sunday. I am crying while writing this because i feel like I am missing my heart. It sucks when you break up no matter how clean and amicable it is. No matter how much the other person tries to be kind and comfort you. No matter how many other sweeties in your life are there to comfort you. You still feel the loss.

If anyone wants to talk to me about it, I am ok with that. I am always open about my emotions and I rather be asked about things rather than have people spread rumors or whatever. I dunno, I ended one relationship only to start a new one on same day. As happy as the new one makes me the loss of the old one hurts pretty freaking bad.